A Cloudy Mind

Why do you bother? Why do you continually tell me what I want to hear, promise me you’re the person I want and need in my life, and then turn around and do the exact opposite? Why do you constantly feel the need to lie to me? Why do you keep pushing yourself back into my life when, the week before you, were pushing me out of yours? Why don’t you give as much as you take? Why is it always what you want, but never what I want? Why do you hurt me? Why would you even do something knowing it would hurt me?

Why do I even let you do this to me?

Why do you even deserve to have this written about you?

Why do you even love me? How can you pretend you even do with the way you treat me?

I tried

I’ve given all my heart.

I rearranged my entire life.

I spent countless dollars.

I’ve cried too many times.

I did things I never thought I’d do.

I became a completely different person.

I did it all for you.

I tried. Was it worth it? Let me know.

If you want better things, I want you to have them

After a breakup, it is really hard to rewire your brain. Previously, I was used to getting up, grabbing my cell phone, texting my boyfriend, having a cigarette, logging on to the ‘net, texting my boyfriend…you get the picture. And it’s been tough to adjust to a life without having that. But, that feeling as if a part of my body is gone has finally faded.

I’ve never been one to subscribe to such clichés as “love at first sight” or “there is that one special someone for everyone.” But the one cliché that seems to ring true is “everything happens for a reason.” But I suppose that isn’t even completely true. Life is a random collection of knowledge and experience; something to help develop a sense of who you are and what you want in the short time you have.

How that “cliché” relates is simple: I needed to learn a lesson - and things happened for a reason. Typically, I’m the one to instigate a breakup. I analyze situations to death, ignore what I can, let things build up, and usually determine when I’m done based on my tolerance level. But this time, I was presented with completely random set of variables that I couldn’t understand, or didn’t want to, and was thrown a curveball I couldn’t catch. I tried to adjust to a situation that couldn’t be adjusted to and it blew up in my face.

I needed to learn a big lesson in life. I do not always understand everyone as well as I think I do. I do not know how every situation is going to play out. I do not know what’s in store for everyone around me - and certainly not myself. And I am not in control of everything in my world. There will always be things outside of my control and, Multiverse willing, nothing will change that.

Everything has been a learning experience that, looking back, I should be happy to have - without a “feeling” of bitterness or anger. Yes, I was hurt, but I caused my own share of hurt. But now, I have let go of those useless emotions and have moved. As I have learned, dwelling on past experiences - and emotions - doesn’t do any good for me moving on and forward. So, I’m letting go.

I’m letting go of the hate, anger, and bitterness. To wish him anything I wouldn’t wish for myself moving on from this stage is both hateful and wrong. So I’m letting go, remembering the good times, dispelling the negative thoughts/vibes, and carrying forward the lessons I have learned. I can’t grow as a person if I don’t.

In conclusion to this unusually long entry, I’m over it, I’m learning from my mistakes, I’m sorry for the hurt I’ve caused, not just to James, but to everyone around me in this process, and I hope that everything can just move on from here in a positive way,